I Always Knew
by Aenigmatis
Summary: If something happened to you, what would you want your loved ones to know?


Title: I Always Knew  
Author: Aenigmatis  
E-mail: fallmark18@aol.com  
Feedback: Please, good or bad, I really don't care.  
Distribution: Sure, just e-mail me the URL of your site.  
Disclaimer: Alias and everything you recognize is owned by ABC and Touchtone and is the creation of J.J. Abrams and Bad Robot Productions.  
Classification: Angst, Romance  
Rating: PG  
Summary: If something happened to you, what would you want you loved ones to know? *Character death*  
  
  
"Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so."   
-David Grayson-  
  
  
  
I was watching television when the call came in. I went quickly to CIA headquarters thinking that Sydney had been given another mission for us to counter. If only that had been the case. I went to my office expecting a file or folder to be on my desk, instead Eric was there waiting for me. His face was blank, but his eyes were filled with pity. A sense of dread fell over me.  
"Mike. You need to go see Devlin."  
"What's wrong Eric? What happened?"  
"Just go see Devlin. And hey man, I'm sorry."  
I pushed past him and ran through the corridors. I barely noticed the looks I was getting from co-workers. All I could think of was Sydney. Scenarios ranging from bad to worse played through my head, but I knew what the worst possible one could be. I didn't want to even consider the possibility, but I knew that she could have been found out as the mole. I didn't wait to be introduced by the secretary. I just threw open the office door, practically ripping it from its hinges.  
"Agent Vaughn. I suggest you sit down before I tell you this." His voice wavered slightly between the words "I" and "tell." The situation was looking bleaker by the moment.  
I sat down in front of him, but I couldn't stop fidgeting. I was worried about Sydney, and was getting more worried by the minute. Screw the formalities. This was taking far too long. "What happened?"  
"SD-6 found out. I don't know how, but they did. They had both Jack and Sydney killed a few hours ago. I'm sorry. I know you cared about her. Jack was my friend and I'll miss him." I know he means it. The impact of finding out and deciding how to tell me has worn him down. There's no telling what I looked like. If I looked like I felt at moment then I must have looked like I had just spent an eternity in hell dipped in gasoline. I feel like someone just ripped out my heart and made me watch it stop beating.  
"No. This can't be. The Agency was so careful about keeping their identities secret. She can't be gone. She can't." And I broke down. I didn't care who saw me. He already suspected that I loved her, along with everyone else that knew both of us, and they were right. I did. I do. And now she's gone.  
He slid an envelope over the desk to me. "A few weeks ago, Jack had me put this in my personal vault. He said Sydney had asked him to keep it safe in case something happened to her. It's for you."  
I looked at the envelope. Sure enough. I could make out my name, Michael Vaughn, in her handwriting. Everything seemed a little blurred by the tears in my eyes. I wiped at them quickly with the back of my sleeve so no stray tears would fall and smudge the writing.  
I left the office with every intention of going home and getting completely wasted while reading her letter. My heart must have had something else in mind though. When I shut off the engine of my car I was outside of "our" warehouse. I went inside to the chain-link cage where we always met and collapsed onto one of the crates. The one she sat on during our last meeting. If I had only known then that it would be last time I saw her. I would have kissed her and never let the moment end. But no one can change the past. Not even for love.  
I took out the letter and opened the envelope. I unfolded it, careful not to tear it, and started reading.  
  
Dear Vaughn,  
I hate to sound cliché, but if you're reading this something has gone wrong and I am no longer there. I miss you. Don't blame yourself. You did all you could do to help me, far more than anyone else ever has.  
I was lying in the living room floor listening to a CD of Frank Sinatra's greatest hits the other night. That's when I realized that our short and too infrequent heart-to-hearts were the only times that I truly felt like myself. It was the first time since I quit playing with dolls that I wasn't hiding part of myself from the world. With you I could genuinely be Sydney.  
And I know why. It's because you were my best friend. You never second guessed my motives or purposely hurt me. You were the truest friend I ever had. And if things had been different or we had had more time to have taken them down, I know you would have been more. I know this because I love you. Not past tense. I will always love you Michael.  
Don't spend the rest of your life pining away over me. I won't tell you to go out and date again. I know you wouldn't, and besides, I can't stand the thought of you with anyone else. Go meet Francie. She always wanted to know who gave me the picture frame, but watch out for Will. He may hit you when you ask about me. Don't do anything stupid like going after Sloane. Don't get killed because of me. Remember that the hardest thing to do in this world is to live in it. Live the life that I couldn't. And always remember that I love you.  
  
Love,  
Sydney  
  
P.S. Don't worry. I always knew.  
  
I neatly folded the letter and put it and the envelope back into my pocket. I planned to keep it near me always so I could read it a hundred times a day. I gave the warehouse one last look before I got into my car. I could have gone home, but instead I went to the one place I couldn't have gone before. I went to meet Francie and see the place where the love of my life had lived. 


End file.
